Dear Ana
by SpideyOwl
Summary: "Dear Ana, your friends left scars on my wrists." A look into the mind of Gabriella Montez, as she struggles with problems that affect her physically and mentally.  Rated M for rape scene and mention of cutting.
1. Chapter 1

1.1.2013

Dear Ana,

Happy New year! Can you believe we made it through 2012? I'll admit, I was terrified about the world ending. I guess everything's fine though.

It's partly because of you Ana. You've been a great friend ever since I met you in the park last month. Remember that day?

It was raining, and we sorta bumped into each other. Best friends ever since. You've made that month easier for me to get through. Thank you for that.

* * *

><p>1.2.2013<p>

Ana,

Thank God you got there when you did! I was soo excited to see you. I don't know why, but lately I haven't been enjoying my stepmothers food as much as I used to. I think t was for the best, I didn't want to waste food, but I wanted to spend to time with you. Everybody wins.

Tomorrow schools tarts again, and I wish you went to my school.

* * *

><p>1.3.2013<p>

Sp today wasn't one of my best days. School was horrible. I felt completely out of place. My friends ignored me. I had no where to sit during lunch, so I sat in a bathroom stall and I cried.

But you found me Ana. You made everything better.

* * *

><p>1.4.2013<p>

Ana,

Life isn't fair.

1.6.2013

*Sigh*

She did it again. She keeps turning dad against me. He was mine first!

Things were better and easier when Mom was alive. She would've loved you Ana. But Kathy, my dearest step mommy, she hates you. Says you're corrupting me. She told dad to send me away to some hospital.

At least he came to his senses and told her to leave me alone.

* * *

><p>1.7.2013<p>

Good news and bad news. Bad news is that I weighed myself. I lost 15 pounds! But I guess that could be considered good news. I was a little on the chubby side.

Good news? There's this boy.3

* * *

><p>1.14.2013<p>

3 Ana! After a week of being a stalker, my plan has finally worked! I practically stalked him to his classes and you wouldn't believe how many times I walked past his locker.

After the 5th time I dropped my books and he helped pick me up! We had a moment!

And now we have a date!

* * *

><p>1.17.2013<p>

Troy

* * *

><p>1.21st.2013<p>

I. Hate. You! How could you do this to me? You knew how important this date was to me. I've been talking about it for days! I thought you wee my friend! How could you?

It was going great until you showed up. It was supposed to be a double date, Troy, Chad and Taylor and I. Ana you know I didn't want you there!

Do you realize how stupid I looked? I was just sitting there staring at my food because you wouldn't go away. Blake asked if I felt sick. I couldn't explain the effect you have on me Ana. I just ran out of the restaurant. G away Ana. Don't come back.

* * *

><p>1.23.2013<p>

Ana,

You're my only friend. The only one who understands me. You help me get through everything. You're such a great friend. I told you to go away, and you came back fro me. You're the only one who has.

I love you Ana.

* * *

><p>1.25.2013<p>

I cant do this anymore. When my mom died, I thought It was a bad dream and shed come back.

I felt so alone when I finally realized she was never coming back. Kathy was going to be a permanent part of my life. Of dads life.

How could he just forget about mom so easily? Dad told me id love my new brother and sister. He was wrong. I hate the, stepbrother Jason managed to convince the whole 10th grade that I threw myself at him. Suddenly I was called a slut, a whore. A skank. Kati didn't help. While I was vulnerable, she took my friends.

I'm so alone Ana. Even when the room is full of people. I just want to cry,

And I've decided I really hate school food.

* * *

><p>1.27.2013<p>

Ana! You're my best friend, but I feel horrible after what you did yesterday.

Jason took my car yesterday after school and I had to walk home in the rain. I was soaked by the time I got home.

Kathy had cookies waiting on the table, but after she yelled at me for getting her floor wet, you and I went upstairs.

Kati came up with the cookies, and you left while she informed me on the plans she made with my former friends. I felt horrible by the time she left and you returned.

And you brought friends.

I thought about losing my mom, my friends the reputation that followed me around school, and I lolst it.

I have never hated myself as much as I did that day. I just wanted it all to end. I think your friends that took a little too literal.

My throat hurts from puking so much. My wrists hurt and they're sore when I touch them. I fell asleep that night crying and naming everything I hate about myself.

* * *

><p>1.29.2013<p>

I cant bring myself to smile, to laugh. I cant find a reason to go on. My self esteem is getting dangerously low. I'm so alone. I don't have anyone except you Ana. And I'm starting to think you aren't exactly the best thing for me…

* * *

><p>1.31.2013<p>

Ana,

Your friends left scars on my wrists.

* * *

><p>2.1.2013<p>

I wouldn't be so alone if I had my mom.

* * *

><p>2.2.2013<p>

Ana,

I'm thinking about joining my mom. In heaven, hell, wherever she is. That's where I want to be.

* * *

><p>*This is my second try trying to write a story. I have more already written down, but if I don't get positive reviews, this will probably stay a one shot. I changed my account name from pheonix997, and im ready for a new start at writing. all comments are welcome. R&amp;R!*<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**2.5.2013**

I got an "F" in math. That's my best subject. I'm not sure how that happened, but I do know I have to get my grades up, or Dad gets to take away my car.

Ana, I've been exhausted lately. It's hard for me to stay focused during school hours. I usually zone out, get lost in my fantasies but today, I was knocked from my thoughts because of one word.

Anorexia.

Kathleen, the health volunteer smiled at us, satisfied that she had our attention. She tells us to call her Kathleen because she is a volunteer, and not much older than us. She says anorexia is very serious. She says anorexia is a psychological disorder. Anorexics eat very little, or nothing to feel a sense of control over his or her body. 45% of anorexics are female. There has been no determined cause and anorexia is-

And I couldn't take it anymore. My hand shot into the air, I whispered the magic word "cramps", grabbed the pass and forced myself to walk calmly out of the room.

I stayed in the bathroom, dry heaving until the end of the period.

* * *

><p><strong>2.6.2013<strong>

Why was I so affected?

* * *

><p><strong>2.7.2013<strong>

Am I anorexic? Or worse?

* * *

><p><strong>2.12.2013<strong>

Ever since Kathleens lecture, I've been eating everything that's on my plate. I go back for seconds, thirds, fourths. When I'm done, I go to the bathroom, vomit and calmly walk out.

Does that also make me bulimic?

* * *

><p><strong>2.13.2013<strong>

Maybe I'm not anorexic or bulimic. Maybe I just have bad eating habits.

What do you think Ana?

* * *

><p><strong>2. 14.2013<strong>

Valentines Day. The worst holiday ever in my opinion.

My math grades didn't improve, so I had to walk to school.

You left me as I ate alone in the cafeteria Ana.

The principal called me to his office during 4th period. He talked about my lack of attendance in health. After that day, I just couldn't bring myself back to the room. I just stayed in the bathroom until it was over.

After my lecture, I was free to return to class. I walked down the halls, staring at the red and pink decorations in disgust.

Why cant I have a someone special?

* * *

><p><strong>2.16.2013<strong>

Ana,

I haven't seen Troy for our "date".

* * *

><p><strong>2.17.2013<strong>

You left me with your friend, the one who cut my wrists. You left me with your friend and a plate of brownies.

* * *

><p><strong>2.19.2013<strong>

Kathy told Dad I have a "problem".

* * *

><p><strong>2.22.2013<strong>

Ana,

I hurt all over. My wrists are sensitive. My throat burns when I swallow. Im always experiencing constant cramps and pangs. I'm always cold, even in the warmest rooms.

I usually attempt to eat most of my food before excusing myself. Today I just pushed my food around and left the table.

Nobody stopped me.

* * *

><p><strong>2.23.2013<strong>

I saw Kati kissing Troy.

My wrists hurt.

* * *

><p><strong>2.24.2013<strong>

Ana,

I gave my report to Mr. Lane. I was the only one that didn't have to present it to the class. I fainted.

Just. Like. That.

Mr. Lane carried me to the nurses office. When I recovered, Nurse Swan offered me an apple. I could feel you poking at my stomach, so I politely refused.

* * *

><p><strong>2.26.2013<strong>

Today was the twins birthday. Chad and Kati turned 17 and I had to sit in a corner watching my ex best friends have fun without me.

When I brought out the cake, I noticed Chads friends laughing at me.

I'm sorry we didn't stay for cake Ana.

* * *

><p><strong>2.27.2013<strong>

Troy brought Kati flowers.

* * *

><p><strong>3.2.2013<strong>

I watched the moon glow over our yard. Everything was covered in a beautiful silver light.

* * *

><p><strong>3.4.2013<strong>

Our science class took a trip to the planetarium. The miles and miles of endless space seem so peaceful.

* * *

><p><strong>3.6.2013<strong>

I cleaned my mothers grave. I left fresh flowers for her.

I miss her so much Ana.

* * *

><p>If you read this, I'd appreciate it very much if you could review. I've been writing this for months, and finally decided to upload it. I would enjoy some input.<p>

Please and Thanks3


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! I wish I could say I've been super busy, but the truth is, I've just been lazy, and I haven't uploaded. I literally have the next few chapters already written, I just need to type them and upload them. I just wanted to say thanks to-**

**Bluebell140, **

**BlueCherryCoke**

**Illbesmilin.**

**Thank you for reviewing, and especially to Bluebell140 who has stuck with this story from the beginning. I really appreciate that. **

**This is when the story becomes rated M. If you're not okay with that, skip to 3.15.2013**

* * *

><p><strong>3.8.2013<strong>

Ana,

If you walk past the local community college, there's a hill. If you walk up the hill, there's a forest. In the middle of the forest, there's a small stream surrounded by flowers, and that's where I am now. I'm sitting next to the stream, my legs are dangling in. Its raining, but I took my jacket off, hoping that the rain would wash away this dirty feeling.

Once again, I had to walk home in the rain. I decided to take the long way and walk through a not so well liked neighborhood. I tripped over a pebble and fell into a puddle. Two sets of hands pulled me up. I didn't know their names, but I had seen them around school. I think they where in their senior year. I opened my mouth to say "Thank you", but they carried me to the car that waited on the corner. I probably would've tried to break free if I wasn't shocked at this turn of events.

There was one other guy in the car. I didn't know him. He pulled out a gun and held it to my temple. "You move, you die."

I was starting to regret walking down a completely deserted street.

With the gun against my head, I was powerless. I couldn't o anything about the wandering hands. The way my shirt was lifted by hands that were not my own. The cooled air that smelled like rain hit my legs as my pants were slowly pulled down.

I didn't do anything as article after article of clothing was removed. I couldn't do anything my squeeze my eyes shut as fingers poked and hands grabbed and punched. I passed out when I felt the searing pain between my legs.

I woke up under a tree a few blocks from my house. It hurt to walk. Hurt to breathe.

I was hungry Ana, but you were waiting for me at the house. So was an extremely angry Kati.

She was yelling as soon as I stepped through the door. She said Troy broke up with her because he felt it wasn't fair to me. She called me a man stealing whore.

I tried to apologize, but I was silenced by a bunch and a throbbing pain from below.

Tears in my eyes, I looked over Kati's head o her twin. Chad was shaking with laughter. When our eyes met, he smirked.

He knew.

And everything became too much to handle Ana.

So I ran. I didn't stop until I reached the clearing.

I found the sharpest rock, and dug into my skin with it. I let my arm fall into the stream, turning the water a light pink.

Sitting there with the rain mixing with my tears, I felt like Atlas. The weight of the world is slowing crushing me.

And no one remembered my birthday.

* * *

><p><strong>3.15.2013<strong>

Its been a week since my birthday. I've spent that week crying, flinching from men and scrubbing myself red in the shower.

Kati won't talk to me.

Chad smirks whenever I walk into the room.

Ana, you're all I have. You're the only one who listens.

* * *

><p><strong>3.17.2013<strong>

I feel really sick Ana.

* * *

><p><strong>3.20.2013<strong>

Why is it that every time I try to talk, I end up getting shut down?

And you're leaving me Ana. I can feel you leaving me.

* * *

><p><strong>3.26.2013<strong>

Its been days since I last ate, and I can feel you pounding at my stomach Ana. Everytime I see food, I feel sick. I feel like puking. But nothing comes up because nothing went down in the first place, so I lay my head against the toilet, dry heave and cry.

* * *

><p><strong>3.31.2013<strong>

I haven't started my period. I don't want a baby as a result of rape.

* * *

><p><strong>4,2,2013<strong>

I've been thinking Ana.

All we do is criticize my stepmothers cooking. We never eat any of it.

My wrists are red. Scars are faintly outlined.

* * *

><p><strong>4.3.2013<strong>

Ana, why do you come and go? Sometimes you sit with me through the night, holding me while I cry. Other times, you leave me. You leave me alone with piles of food. Brownies, ice-cream, honey buns.

Those are the time the toilet becomes my best friend.

* * *

><p><strong>4.5.2013<strong>

Ana, you were mad at me. You left because I suggested ordering a pizza.

I was alone in the kitchen, flipping through the yellow pages, when in walked Kathy and Kati.

Kathy ripped the phone from my hands and told me to get out.

"Family business" needed to be taken care of.

I guess you got what you wanted Ana. More time for us to spend together.

But your friend joined us.

The one who has a bad habit of leaving scars on my wrists.

* * *

><p><strong>4.7.2013<strong>

Someone told the principal that I skip health. I had to skip math to talk to him. He lectured me about getting my grades up, and possibly making new friends.

I didn't tell him that he took me out of a class I actually liked. I didn't tell him that the incident on my birthday makes it hard for me to trust people. I didn't say that if my friends had actually cared about me in the first place, they wouldn't have left me. I didn't tell him that I have Ana, and she's all I need.

I finished my meeting with him just in time to go to health. He made sure to tell Kathleen to be expecting me.

I saw Kati under the stairs.

With Troy.

Kissing.

I guess they patched things up.

* * *

><p><strong>If you read this, please please review. Even if it's one word! <strong>

**Twitter- VinniehT**

** .com.**


	4. Chapter 4

Shout outs to Bluebell140, and EnglishDreamer16 for commenting!

To EnglishDreamer, when I wrote these chapters, they were 5-6 pages long, I guess I miscalculate. I'll try harder on the long chapters.

I appreciate all comments guys.

And if you have time, Follow me!

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**And check out my youtube channel, I just got started, and I would appreciate all comments and or subscriptions.**

**Bonitaamante. Look at my new video, "Don't Judge Me". I ended up singing, and I want to know what people think. Please and Thank youuu.**

* * *

><p><strong>4.17.13<strong>

I was supposed to start my period 19 days ago. 2 weeks ago, I started taking the pill. Hopefully that's the only thing affecting my period.

* * *

><p><strong>4.18.13<strong>

Thinking that I'm pregnant is time consuming. it's the only thing on my mind. I can't eat. I can only sleep, reread books I've read. And worry.

I've been having cramps, but no blood.

I can't help but think this would be easier if I had someone to talk to.

* * *

><p><strong>4.19.13<strong>

Ana,

I love cake. Especially chocolate.

Dad make Kathy a cake to congratulate her on a promotion.

When I tried to sample my slice, there you were.

Staring. Glaring.

* * *

><p><strong>4.20.13<strong>

Ana,

I started my period today. These past few days have been really stressful. I've been planning and re-planning my future.

And I think I made a new friend.

Maxine.

She's in all of my classes, but we've never said more than "hello" to each other.

School was over, and as usual, I raced through the doors. It hurt seeing the smiling faces, the groups of excited teens making plans for after school, for the weekend, for the upcoming vacation.

And then I heard it.

My name.

And I couldn't believe anyone wanted to talk to me. No one had talked to me for months.

I turned and she handed me my notebook, and said I had dropped it.

I took it from her outstretched hands, and suddenly, everything came pouring out.

Everything.

Right there, in the middle of the school parking lot, I spilled my life story.

And she listened.

When I was done crying, Max drove me home, and I felt hopeful.

Maybe I finally found a friend.

Getting my period seemed to seal the deal on the perfect day.

* * *

><p><strong>4.22.13<strong>

Ana, how could she!

Maxine betrayed me. She was with her other friends, and didn't pay attention to me. She laughed, smiled and had a wonderful time.

Just not with me.

Maybe she didn't betray me. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe because I told her all of my secrets, I feel as if she belongs to me.

I feel as if I open myself up too early. I gave away a large chunk of myself.

* * *

><p><strong>4.23.13<strong>

Some of us walk alone.

Ana, you're the only positive thing in my life. The one thing I have some sort of control over. Everything else is predetermined. I have no sat in what happens. My opinion doesn't matter.

Why me? What have I done to deserve this?

My family doesn't love me. I'm being replaced in my dads heart by outsiders. My brother and sister are always telling me how much they hate me. My stepmother never misses a chance to tell me how much better life could be if I would just change myself. But I cant. I

m stuck with this me.

I don't trust people Ana. Whenever I let someone in, they stick around for a short period of time. But everyone leaves sooner or later. You're the only one that has stayed, Ana. But I keep trying to get rid of you.

You leave for a while, but you always return I'll be fine, until disaster strikes. And you're always there to comfort me.

But Ana, its gotten to the point where I'll avoid all food, and if I cant, I nibble and dissect until it looks like I made a dent. I haven't eaten in days. Instead, I've been relying on energy drinks.

I'm tired Ana. I don't want to be your friend anymore. I don't want to be anyone's friend.

I want my mom. Wherever she is, it has to be better than this. Peaceful.

I can't stay here anymore. I'm not welcome. My family is counting down the days until I leave. No one at school would miss me. And I get sick just thinking about food.

I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me. Like I'm a freak because only I feel this way. Like I'm unnatural because no one can fix me. I don't belong here, and I'm looking for a way out. And no one understands. Absolutely no one.

I have to leave.

* * *

><p><strong>4.24.13<strong>

Ana, thank you for coming with me to visit my moms grave. I'll bring flowers tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>4.26.13<strong>

Dad had me doing chores all day yesterday.

I brought mom Chrysanthemums.

She loved that book, and I loved when she read it to me.

* * *

><p><strong>4.27.13<strong>

When things seem like they're building into a beautiful rainbow, it disappears and I end up looking into a murky puddle.


End file.
